Category: Lifestyle issues

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My ‘Homeless’ Teacher

 so today I went for my usual walk at the great lines, a heritage site in my hood!. God lives there!, not kidding lol! I feel him…. As I tip-toed through the quiet, wet path in attempt to keep my trainers clean, Crawling from under a bush, a familiar, eloquent voice greeted 

” Hello my sister” making my heart jump in surprise. It was my “homeless friend” I smiled and stopped walking as he picked a few more pieces of litter before pulling himself up to the path next to me. I was happy to see him. Only moments earlier I’d said a little prayer and promised God that if I ever saw him again, I would stop and talk to him…I didn’t expect it to be so soon. “Spooky!” I considered.

Tom is a tall, healthy weighted, ok looking fella. He may not be ‘Brad Pitt’, but he certainly isn’t aesthetically challenged. He is well spoken like a learned individual or someone from a well-off family which contradicts his look. I have seen Tom twice before and both times he had smiled and said hello ‘my sister’.First time I answered uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact…He was dirty, homeless and carrying bags of litter, mental health is on the increase especially in these unprecedented times.…I reason. However, his regard seemed to bother me. It was kind and hopeful and did not match his dirty clothes and Sainsbury trolley pushed in front of him.

Second time I met Tom, I had noticed him from a distance and wished I could diverge to avoid him. I hoped he wouldn’t recognise me…..

 “ Hello my sister” he had greeted from a distance. I had braved it and pretended to be comfortable. Conversing about the weather, I had increased pace to lengthen the distance between us. Multiple thoughts had crossed my mind. I wondered who he was, why he was on the streets yet so eloquent and kind when he spoke. For the next few days I pondered on this stranger….but left with no sure answers, just speculation. May be Covid ‘the unprecedented times’ we are all talking about got him off work, may be mental illness, may be may , may be…. 

Today was different. I had made a vow to God…. I needed to commit…. Yet….. small, embarrassing thoughts kept crossing my mind…. ‘If only I’d gone south instead of North…., if I hadn’t talked to him the first time I wouldn’t  have to deal with this ……

I silenced them swiftly. They were against my newly adopted mantra…. ‘judging people not on their looks but their destiny’. 

“How are you doing ?” Tom queried excitedly. I returned the same enthusiasm. 

“Im great!”. For a moment I did feel great for having braved it and listened to the small voice within.

“Try and stay dry”, I joked as he wiped rain drops from his face. I considered inviting him under my umbrella (the Jesus side of me) but the other not-so-jesus-like side was embarrassed to be seeing cosy under an umbrella with a homeless man. 

“what would people think …?”

‘Corona’ is a very good excuse even for Jesus people, I reassured myself as I watched more of the now continuous drizzle wash his face shiny. 

“sorry,I can’t share my shelter”, I muttered hypocritically.

Tom must have read my mind probably betrayed by my long regard at his bags of litter resting on the path. This was my chance to find out all about him, I concluded. 

He did not seem to be in a hurry or bothered by the rain. I mirrored his determination. After a few phrases were exchanged to remove any awkwardness,  I went for it.

“So where do you take these” I queried with interest pointing to his now full trolley?.Playing a responsible citizen for a moment, gathered all my knowledge about social problems and their solutions; salvation army church came first, I worked with them last Christmas. They feed the homeless, Shelter, they house the homeless, job centre, second chance charity,…. I was well armed.

“Oh I put them in designated bins”, he replied with pride.

“I volunteer to keep the lines clean, you see” he added. For the next five minutes he explained his dream to see the heritage site clean and see people enjoy and take responsibility……. My countenance must have changed a few times as I got discipled into caring for my environment. 

Ashamed on the inside, I apologised on behalf of humanity for being so careless and promised to play my part to ensure the great lines was clean. I haven’t got a ‘Tesco trolley’ yet, but I started picking a litter or two along the way as I walk the lines. 

But my main lesson was not to pass judgement based on external observation good or bad. It is very limited. Potential and destiny are probably  better measures.  

You live and learn.

JD

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Workload and its effect on children

Limited data are available regarding the effects of domestic chores workload on psychological problems among children. Nevertheless, it is fact and multiple studies have reported that reduced workload does reduce stress. This is mainly for adults and at the work place. In my research on the impact of workload on children, I found that the workload was in Parents or carers lives other than children’s and it had secondary effects as a result. So I am going to address this more.

Having said that, I found a few studies that showed stress among children who are carers for their siblings or parents. This was mainly among illness situations, poverty stricken families or in war zones.

Workload when it is beyond what we have time or skills to do results in stress. A stressed carer or parent will not function in full capacity as expected. Children do not know that the parent or carer is stressed and really they should not have to deal with that stress. However, in reality it spills over to them and can have detrimental effects on their lives. Workload closely ties in with busyness! Or lack of time. Several studies have been done on the effect of this workload on family and children. Leinonenet al (2003) found out that Workload was related to less authoritative fathering. This is mainly where the father is so busy and stressed that he has little time or motivation to exercise his authority as the leader of the family. Moller et al (2007) in his study found a significant correlation between experiences of household workload and the quality of couple relationship and children’s temperament. He concluded that a society with a high level of equality between men and women, positively impacted on relationships as well as children.

In my opinion when it comes to children, anything that negatively impacts on them should be prioritised and dealt with urgently. This is because kids are very fragile and negative experiences can have detrimental effects years later. Research has found several things that we can do to reduce our workload and hence reduce the impact it has on families including children. These include: 1) Acknowledge your limits and Learn to say no , 2)Pick and prioritise, One thing at a time, Deal with deadlines, 5)Take regular breaks and learn to relax, 6)If no other posibilities exist, Move on. 

In short, when it comes to children, they are priority and whatever affect them is prioritised even when it seems important. Work has become very important to our modern society and we struggle to balance work and financial demands. It is an individual decision but it does not balance against children stress. I suggest involving the children in taking breaks and relaxing  to kill two birds with one stone. It is quite challenging especially when one is self employed because pressure mounts up but it is doable with planning. 

As mentioned earlier, workload ties in with busyness and lack of time. I suggest planning work time with your children so that they know what time you will be at work and what time you have for them. It makes it easier for them to wait and expect you to be available for them. Having said that, when it is their time, then it needs to be theirs without distraction. This is my case, I have had to learn to make clear boundaries between my time and my daughter’s time. If you give a 100% to them even short periods can have huge positivity in their lives. They need time to talk, to play with you, to ask questions etc. We have to be careful not to replace our time with the kids with the screens, yet I feel so unqualified to make this statement!. 

If nothing is working, the kids can’t be the sacrifice, we have to make big decisions and change our lives. If it is work, change jobs, moving houses, whatever it takes. Ive met people who have moved cities which are cheaper in order to work less and afford. Everyone is different and as long as we are conscious of it, there is always a way out. 

See you soon 

Jambie 

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Children’s mental health: What you need to know

So last week was children’s “Mental health week”. I attended multiple events like many other persons around the country in search for information and solutions to mental health problems that is destroying our world. Although I knew that mental health among children and the world is a big problem, these events have highlighted and renewed my awareness of its scale. It is huge! Scary!

I came out of the events with a lot of information and resources available to victims and their families. Although It is encouraging to see the government doing so much in attempt to tackle the problem, I cant help to wonder how we can successfully stop the effects and the impact it leaves on families, individuals and the society as a whole. The fact that our children are at risk should be rekindling interest in everyones mind right now. This is because, it becomes a generational problem and unless we get on top of it, we have a doomed generation and no one is safe! I’ll try not to scare you but make you aware lol.

Mental health problems affect about 1 in 10 children and young people. There is a common misconception when it comes to children’s mental health and stress, grown-ups tend to perceive the world of children as being happy and carefree. This can lead to unnoticed mental health issues which then escalates to bigger problems like anxiety disorders, depression and suicide.

Unfortunately, Stress can affect very young children  who get anxious, worry,  have feelings of stress and even get overwhelmed by stress leading to depression. Stress in children may not be directly resulting from them. It could be coming from a secondary source like piers, family or friends. Regardless, it still has detrimental effect on their lives and needs to be given attention. Admittedly, as an attendee, I can easily go through the events and take home statistics as opposed to someone watching close circles or Immediate family struggling with these issues especially children. But still the fact that children as young as six years old are falling victim of the various mental health illnesses, is disturbing. 

Although this may not be for everyone, well, it never is until it comes to your Immediate circle, but it is good to know. I observe my daughter sometimes struggling with things that I never struggled with and that I would never consider to be of any importance. Having this information may just give you tips on how to recognise and deal with anxiety, stress in children before it is too late and although it may not be useful right now, you never know when you might need it.

To recap, the most common mental health problems among children include: 

      -Anxiety disorders.

      -Eating disorders.

    -Mood disorders.

      -depression.

Other serious problems include:

    -Schizophrenia.

       -Attention-deficit/hyperactivity

    -Autism spectrum

       -Suicide

    In my opinion, the first group and the most common of these stem from Stress and anxiety. So I am going to discuss Stress and its management in depth and attempt to come a working definition as we will be referring to it from time to time. 

How is stress different from anxiety?

Everyone experiences stress and anxiety at one time or another. The difference between them is that Stress is a response to a threat or a situation, your body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience. Stress can be positive or negative.

Anxiety on the other hand, is a reaction to that  Stress, a sustained mental unrest (disorder) that can be triggered by stress. From a research point of view, stress is ‘the harmful reaction people have to excessive pressure or other types of demand placed on them’, a state of physical, psychological or social flaw which makes individuals feel unable to bridge the gap between the requirements and the expectations placed on them. ‘A mismatch of what one is capable of doing and what one is expected to do’ (Cooper 1998). I really like this definition because it makes it easy to understand the causes of stress too. 

What does anxiety feel or look like?

Anxiety disorders are characterized by a variety of symptoms. One of the most common is excessive and intrusive worrying and self-consciousness that disrupts daily functioning. Other signs include agitation, restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, tense muscles and trouble sleeping.

The HSE (Health and Safety Executive) has come up with a list of Six Stress management areas known to cause stress at workout that can also work in other areas like home, family, social organisations, church etc. 

 The six areas are:

• Demands 

• Control

• Support 

• Relationships

• Role 

• Change

I will be discussing each issue separately in the next six weeks so look out for more and participate as I would like to hear what others think or what their experiences are. It is amazing and interesting to see how these areas apply in even normal daily lives especially children so please get in touch and share your experience as we look at them in the coming weeks.

speak soon

Jambie

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Making a ‘bad house’ beautiful. Waiting: the Challenging reality.

Waiting is an ART.

It is sometimes painful, frustrating, enraging and not fun. The dictionary defines waiting as;  staying in a place until an expected event happens

Modern life has completely embraced the fast paced life that requires little waiting if any. Although It sometimes simplifies our life and allows us to do a lot more in a shorter time than we did before, the constant chaotic lifestyle,  loss of temper resulting in rage at fast pace has resulted in problems that we are now struggling to deal with including mental illnesses, Stress and anxiety. 

The waiting room’s magazine selection has got larger and more varied to accommodate the impatient mind that struggles with waiting. The trains are littered with the ‘metro’ newspaper in attempt to occupy the waiting mind. But of all waitings, the one most likely to resonate with me is the waiting for a baby. This in my opinion is a different kind of waiting; an anxious waiting that can be overwhelming. In her book ‘Boggs 2010’  built suspense around this kind of waiting as she explored the different options available to the ‘childless’ woman. It made me wonder if the story would ever result in a real baby……….. Great book!. 

Having crossed that bridge myself, I now find myself waiting again. This time for a ‘bad house’ to become beautiful. This is in no way equal measure or comparison to waiting for a baby. They are two experiences of waiting that I have experienced. Different but painful in their own different ways. 

I have put in the time, the money, a lot of effort and thought has gone into it and still not ‘the beautiful’ house I envisaged. Last week, I was waiting for the handy man to finish putting up the plaster boards on the bathroom wall. I have long wanted to do it myself to reduce the waiting …….probably a bad idea as I am not patient enough to measure and cut the required  corners…..so I have hesitated. However, sitting on my brown dirty leather sofa, my feet frozen from long exposure on the cold floor , I am almost convinced I should give it a go! After all, I did the plastering, when I couldn’t wait any longer!, didn’t I ? Im sure with a bit of patience I can get my pencil out and tape measure and give it a good hour………. I hate waiting!, a sensible thought crosses my mind …..

”Let’s sleep on it and see how it feels in the morning”.

 It would be great to have those plasterboards up before the shower cubicles are delivered in two days. Hhhmmnn.

This week, I am waiting for the hot water tanks, they are expensive, necessary and skilful to install. I will have to wait for the plumber to become available to install once they arrive……aarrgghhh. Then there’s next week waiting for the walls to dry from the recent downpour that has left my walls leaking……then the external wall needs painting when its dry and hopefully sunny, the garden too, then more waiting on the rubbish to be collected before I can start the floors. So much waiting. 

In all this waiting around, I have wondered if there is any good to be found in the waiting,  or Is it all a waste of time ?, to be dreaded ?.

Upon  exploring my own experience of waiting, I found an interesting concept:

pro-active verses passive waiting: The definition indicates that waiting is a state of ‘repose’ until something expected happens, often followed by till, or until;  to not do something until something else happens; a state of expectation or hope that something will happen. Interestingly, the word ‘repose’ means a state of rest, sleep, or tranquillity and is synonyms with  relaxation, restfulness and stillness. This is the state that is expecting in waiting which is completely contrary to what most of us feel while waiting.

In conclusion, although I am stopped, I am actively expecting and hoping that something else will happen. Although my natural response to waiting is anxiety and frustration, I am learning to adopt a state of repose. In this restful state, I can hope that all the things that need to happen will happen in the end  and I will be able to move on. So I take a deep breath in and look ahead and determine to enjoy the time in waiting doing things I love to do. Latest, I am exploring my new hood with my daughter and its been amazing!

Are you a good waiter or a bad one ?, How do you deal with your waiting ? 

Please share with us below.

Thank you, till next time, wait restfully. 

Jambie,